Haven't had time to write very much, but this is what I've been feeling the last couple days. It didn't start out being a thank-you-mony but it ended up that way maybe.
I just wanted to write about yesterday, because it was like one of the most gratifying days I've ever had. I graduated. I didn't really feel any different and I didn't really feel the full weight or sense of accomplishment that should accompany that, but I felt a sense of relief, and a renewal of appreciation for the experiences I've had the last 4 years or so. Elder Nelson talked about the lesson he learned through retiring: That though we can gain some sense of pride from our occupations, they are a means to an end and not an end in themselves. I have felt profoundly despondent in the true sense of the word, because I had been in this limbo stage of uncertainty and I was doing nothing while counting my losses, reapplying self pity lotion like a hot day at the beach. But really, I couldn't let go of Romania and I kept feeling like there was nothing I could do to have a purpose. Going from seeing one of the most important people in my life lighting up when I walked in the room to coming home to an empty apartment (comfortable though it was) or many times not having a reason or desire to leave was a difficult contrast. I feel there are opportunities ahead and I know a little more how to follow after them and I have much less time or energy to contemplate what I lack emotionally.
Later the day of my first graduation, or commencement I was given the surprise of my life. A tangent fantasy conversation I had with Rachel became a reality. Instead of the plan that I had set up (dinner at an overrated italian restaurant), my dad and she conspired to throw me a graduation party at Andale's cafe. They tricked me by saying there wasn't enough time to get to the restaurant before they gave our reservation away and so Rachel and I had to go to the cafe. When we pulled up, there were two llamas in front of the cafe. Thinking of the most ridiculous thing I could say, I shouted, "You got me llamas for my graduation party?!" I knew there was no graduation party and so this was a safe and silly thing to say. But they were and there was a big picture of me hung up from when I was like 5 with a spiderman t-shirt on hanging from a jungle gym. My dad offered to park the car and I got out with Rachel we started getting to know the llamas. People kept coming up asking to take pictures with them. It was crazy. And we started making up silly stories about why we might have llamas. We are thunderously clever and so it was great fun. We took the llamas for a walk. Her llama was quite obstinate, but he was firmly and warmly disciplined. I had so much fun. And most of my best friends were there. Jimmy showed up and David was there and Andale and Brennan and Brandon were there. I was so happy. And then Brennan's band othello played and they were great. It was like something so cool. People don't throw me parties and it was really nice of my parents to do that. I think everyone secretly wants a surprise party sometime in their life and this was just great. I loved the point where I realized everyone was in on it. Everyone involved had this mischievous look and laughter. I couldn't believe it, it made me feel so happy. Everyone signed this picture of me and that meant so much to me too. It meant an incredible amount to receive such attention and appreciation and when people remember little things about me and turn them into something tangible with meaning, it just makes me feel valued and warm. (Matt. 7:11 NOT Ezekiel 16:33)
Rachel is a shot of adrenaline to my brain. She is the cocreator of a world that doesn't exist. She makes me laugh convulsively and feel like the world is full of possibilities. She is thoughtful and kind and warm. She is inalienating and has the refreshing innate ability to seek understanding. A very good friend who has taught me things I never had supposed.
Later that night, I got to spend some quality time talking with my parents. One of the better and more open talks we've ever had. They are so good to me and are incredibly supportive of the decisions I've made in my life and have given me opportunities I would not have been able to secure. Sometimes I forget that or lose sight of it or use it as a crutch and then resent it, but I have moments of reflection like this to recognize that I can be grateful and use it to give me momentum to do good things. It has taken me a long time to see my parents as real, imperfect, but good and loving people. It comes in degrees, but I am really grateful for them.
The next day, I had another graduation and I got to walk with Holly. Sometimes I get a little emo when I think about her and her influence on me. She loves the kids in Romania so much and knows the ins and outs of things so well. She is a true friend and one of the most humble and good seeking people I know. The fire can bring you to appreciate those people who are there. Landes Holbrook, I finally got to thank for how much he helped Katie and I while we were waiting in a hospital in Bucharest. I got to thank Chris Porter to his face for the class that challenged me more than any other I've taken. I got to hug Roberta and thank her for her caring so much for us students (treasure hunts and all). I even got to see Dave Shuler, Ashley, and Larry Nelson over the last couple days. Richard Miller handed me my diploma and he remembered me from his classes and addressed me with a warm tone of familiarity instead of passing disinterest. Strangely I'm going to miss a lot of the BYU faculty.
My parents and Dave were there. David is one of my best friends and has been loyal since we have met. We are a support to each other and I have seen him grow and progress so much in the last 3-4 years it is incredible. He has been there to talk to when no one else was and has helped bring me back to reality. He basically lit the fire that led to me being the musician I am now. He is the harbinger of brutal honesty and has helped me become more honest with myself.
Last night I also saw a movie that touched me a lot called the Soloist. It is about a man who is diagnosed with schizophrenia who is a phenomenal cellist. There is a writer from the L.A. times who starts writing a story about him, then starts trying to understand him, then tries to fix him/help him, then realizes that the best thing is to be his friend. It made me think of Robert and I started crying. Robert has been a real friend to me and we can talk about everything. He is one of the people I hope fervently I will be able to keep association with in the afterlife. I went through a very similar process with Robert of beginning to serve him for the personal gains of getting over some things in my life at the time. Eventually I came to see the wonderful person that he is and though at times there frustrating things about him, he is so valuable to me as a friend and I count that as something priceless.
And my father in heaven is the one before all of these people who never leaves even when I have chosen things that keep me from feeling Him. And my Savior who brings the cool water to my drying tongue and lets me back in again. The reasons that love exist. His hand in all things.
This has been mostly to document my feelings on these couple days and more fully form my gratitude for (some) of the important people in my life by expressing it and giving it a name.
I just wanted to write about yesterday, because it was like one of the most gratifying days I've ever had. I graduated. I didn't really feel any different and I didn't really feel the full weight or sense of accomplishment that should accompany that, but I felt a sense of relief, and a renewal of appreciation for the experiences I've had the last 4 years or so. Elder Nelson talked about the lesson he learned through retiring: That though we can gain some sense of pride from our occupations, they are a means to an end and not an end in themselves. I have felt profoundly despondent in the true sense of the word, because I had been in this limbo stage of uncertainty and I was doing nothing while counting my losses, reapplying self pity lotion like a hot day at the beach. But really, I couldn't let go of Romania and I kept feeling like there was nothing I could do to have a purpose. Going from seeing one of the most important people in my life lighting up when I walked in the room to coming home to an empty apartment (comfortable though it was) or many times not having a reason or desire to leave was a difficult contrast. I feel there are opportunities ahead and I know a little more how to follow after them and I have much less time or energy to contemplate what I lack emotionally.
Later the day of my first graduation, or commencement I was given the surprise of my life. A tangent fantasy conversation I had with Rachel became a reality. Instead of the plan that I had set up (dinner at an overrated italian restaurant), my dad and she conspired to throw me a graduation party at Andale's cafe. They tricked me by saying there wasn't enough time to get to the restaurant before they gave our reservation away and so Rachel and I had to go to the cafe. When we pulled up, there were two llamas in front of the cafe. Thinking of the most ridiculous thing I could say, I shouted, "You got me llamas for my graduation party?!" I knew there was no graduation party and so this was a safe and silly thing to say. But they were and there was a big picture of me hung up from when I was like 5 with a spiderman t-shirt on hanging from a jungle gym. My dad offered to park the car and I got out with Rachel we started getting to know the llamas. People kept coming up asking to take pictures with them. It was crazy. And we started making up silly stories about why we might have llamas. We are thunderously clever and so it was great fun. We took the llamas for a walk. Her llama was quite obstinate, but he was firmly and warmly disciplined. I had so much fun. And most of my best friends were there. Jimmy showed up and David was there and Andale and Brennan and Brandon were there. I was so happy. And then Brennan's band othello played and they were great. It was like something so cool. People don't throw me parties and it was really nice of my parents to do that. I think everyone secretly wants a surprise party sometime in their life and this was just great. I loved the point where I realized everyone was in on it. Everyone involved had this mischievous look and laughter. I couldn't believe it, it made me feel so happy. Everyone signed this picture of me and that meant so much to me too. It meant an incredible amount to receive such attention and appreciation and when people remember little things about me and turn them into something tangible with meaning, it just makes me feel valued and warm. (Matt. 7:11 NOT Ezekiel 16:33)
Rachel is a shot of adrenaline to my brain. She is the cocreator of a world that doesn't exist. She makes me laugh convulsively and feel like the world is full of possibilities. She is thoughtful and kind and warm. She is inalienating and has the refreshing innate ability to seek understanding. A very good friend who has taught me things I never had supposed.
Later that night, I got to spend some quality time talking with my parents. One of the better and more open talks we've ever had. They are so good to me and are incredibly supportive of the decisions I've made in my life and have given me opportunities I would not have been able to secure. Sometimes I forget that or lose sight of it or use it as a crutch and then resent it, but I have moments of reflection like this to recognize that I can be grateful and use it to give me momentum to do good things. It has taken me a long time to see my parents as real, imperfect, but good and loving people. It comes in degrees, but I am really grateful for them.
The next day, I had another graduation and I got to walk with Holly. Sometimes I get a little emo when I think about her and her influence on me. She loves the kids in Romania so much and knows the ins and outs of things so well. She is a true friend and one of the most humble and good seeking people I know. The fire can bring you to appreciate those people who are there. Landes Holbrook, I finally got to thank for how much he helped Katie and I while we were waiting in a hospital in Bucharest. I got to thank Chris Porter to his face for the class that challenged me more than any other I've taken. I got to hug Roberta and thank her for her caring so much for us students (treasure hunts and all). I even got to see Dave Shuler, Ashley, and Larry Nelson over the last couple days. Richard Miller handed me my diploma and he remembered me from his classes and addressed me with a warm tone of familiarity instead of passing disinterest. Strangely I'm going to miss a lot of the BYU faculty.
My parents and Dave were there. David is one of my best friends and has been loyal since we have met. We are a support to each other and I have seen him grow and progress so much in the last 3-4 years it is incredible. He has been there to talk to when no one else was and has helped bring me back to reality. He basically lit the fire that led to me being the musician I am now. He is the harbinger of brutal honesty and has helped me become more honest with myself.
Last night I also saw a movie that touched me a lot called the Soloist. It is about a man who is diagnosed with schizophrenia who is a phenomenal cellist. There is a writer from the L.A. times who starts writing a story about him, then starts trying to understand him, then tries to fix him/help him, then realizes that the best thing is to be his friend. It made me think of Robert and I started crying. Robert has been a real friend to me and we can talk about everything. He is one of the people I hope fervently I will be able to keep association with in the afterlife. I went through a very similar process with Robert of beginning to serve him for the personal gains of getting over some things in my life at the time. Eventually I came to see the wonderful person that he is and though at times there frustrating things about him, he is so valuable to me as a friend and I count that as something priceless.
And my father in heaven is the one before all of these people who never leaves even when I have chosen things that keep me from feeling Him. And my Savior who brings the cool water to my drying tongue and lets me back in again. The reasons that love exist. His hand in all things.
This has been mostly to document my feelings on these couple days and more fully form my gratitude for (some) of the important people in my life by expressing it and giving it a name.
