Today has been kind of a weird day so far. I've been feeling my energy levels decreasing in increments as I've been up doing late nights, because it's usually the only time I can find to do homework and work on boards for Alex. I feel behind on both. I've also seen my attitude plummeting and my critical side coming out. I want to sincerely praise people in the group, but I'm just feeling beaten lately. Last night, we had our Sunday meeting and I just straight up told some of the girls to be ready to go to the hospital on time, because it's a problem and their hours are half their grade and I and some of the others are getting frustrated, and everybody looked at the floor. No discussion, no excuses, no defensiveness, no one chiming in to second the sentiment, just immediate cutoff. I was like, "Is there anything else?" and I looked at each person in the group, "Ok let's make some papanasi then."
Papanasi is fried cheese with flour and salt and a little bit of sugar. If you eat it with ice cream the sweet and the salty have this really nice contrast and it tastes like fried ice cream.
I slightly expected to get murdered in my sleep that night. I was going to inspire them and make them want to give a crap about what they were doing (assuming that that is the problem), but I could barely muster the happy face to tell them that this is not working. I feel kind of set apart from them. Maybe I'm doing that myself, but I have a hard time just talking with many of them. I'm stuck in me, because... because I kind of am. And I've been seeing things decline.
Today was the threshold. I woke up around 7:00 and heard my roommate faintly talking on the gtalk and it was a little bit like I was under water and everything was just sort of sliding off of me today and I was like just shutting down. I woke up again and looked at the clock on my phone. 10:30?! I got up and put some clothes on, didn't even grab my scrubs. Just walked to the orphanage. Isn't this ironic? The day after. Ha ha. I was kind of in a fog though.
Got to the orphanage expecting to work with Teo, but she was gone, so I stood there for a second and walked over to mickey mouse. If you've ever been on Codeine, I think it was like that, only a little heavy. I started playing with the first kid I could get my hands on (out of context this sounds pretty weird). She was a little girl that I don't really know who was very pale and possibly fetal alcohol syndrome, which gives younger children a look like they are always deeply concerned about something. Perhaps she was just deeply concerned. I then witnessed Miorcell grab onto Michelle M's hair and pull like crazy. Ouch! I moved up to help, but this worker (who is one of my favorites, she's tall and stern and yet very sweet with the children. She is also very kind to me.) got him off first. Then they pointed to Alex who I didn't realize was in the room. I just kind of held his hand for a minute to let him know I was his bro still and talked with one this worker, whose name I sadly can never remember. She was telling me that Dr. Ciobano's daughter was getting married and that's why Teo was gone. She also told me Miorcel has a family, who are Roma, but was found abandoned living like an animal; naked and roaming around alone, and I think she said something about a forest. Sometimes I'm glad I can't totally understand what is being said. I was pretty slow to understand what she was saying and seemed a bit aloof probably and she asked, "Hey, who am I talking with?" She then started asking me why I was so "slab"
slab
and not married and if I liked boys or girls, while looking at a girl in my group. I told her that I liked girls, not pausing my exit with Alex. "Wrong day lady," I thought to myself.
Me and Alex went to look at fish and then to the lightroom. I was slightly relieved that it was closed, because it is difficult to spend a short of amount of time in there with him and we only had 10 mins left. He directed with his eyes to the room where we change (upstairs now to the left of mickey mouse's hall). I was like, "Really? You want to go in there?" But it turned out pretty fun. There are numbers and letters on the walls in there and he had fun getting me to open different cubby's and wanted me to put on other people's shoes. We also played with light switches and I got him to do the counting thing a little more too. He's getting better I think. The girls came in and I took him back.
After they changed, I sat in there for a minute and phased out. Then I walked out and was greeted by Sera. He said a bunch of stuff I couldn't understand and I said Da. Then he in Romanian he said, "Hey we're boys man, don't something something..." And then I went and shook their hands. For some reason when I'm most vulnerable somebody with a challenging personality tends to find me. Like I said though, things were just kind of sliding off me in a fog.
I came home and checked some emails and read some good stuff on a blog, and I was remembering vaguely a general authority quote about self-pity and looking outside through service to others. I also in looking for this quote which is now only a vapor to me, found a new one that I like better.
You have your own wonderful, bright, happy, and private little world
within yourself. Or you have your own dark and dismal prison... Your responsibility is to see that it is a private little heaven, for
it can just as easily be a private little hell, where you retreat from
beauty and wonder into self hatred and disgust. And again, no one is allowed to enter it but you, so any housecleaning that needs to be done, any clutter, disillusionment, or discord, any black thoughts or hatreds, any self incrimination or self-pity has to be discarded by you alone!
-Beatrice M. Sparks as quoted by N. Eldon Tanner as quoted by me.
So I went to the hospital regenerated by the hope of a new perspective and it worked. I remembered being with my sister Steph when I was really stressed to get to the airport and I had become rather rancid to her and then I wanted to try something and so I said, "I'm just going to start the day over right now, OK?" and kind of ran my hand over my face like a drama student ending a scene or whatever they do and she started laughing and was like I can't believe that just happened, and we had an amazing time driving up to the airport.
I walked to the hospital with the girls who are usually late and nothing really bothered me. We were not enemies. We left a few minutes late but it was better. I got to know them better a little. I played with Florin without feeling taken advantage of, as he tends to milk you for every penny if he can. I'm frankly amazed at how he can come up with money and other objects of value within a half hour. I saw him with 5 lei and a crucifix night light after seriously 20 minutes. He knows his craft. He also knows that I will mess him up in a boxing match.
Marian and I played cards. And we played guns. And we laughed a lot. And we got everybody in the room laughing. I tried to get Florin to play cards with us, but he took one look at how young Marian was and took off. Marian Asked me why Florin left and I was like uh I dunno. There was a new kid next door as well and he was even younger than Marian, but I didn't have very much time. I tried to help him with a puzzle which is strangely pronounced exactly the same in Romanian as it is in English. I can't say the kid's name yet. But he's pretty cool. I think he has a wicked fever too.
So my day ended up transitioning very well. I thank the Lord and friends and family for so much support and love. And tomorrow comes with a new set of challenges. Sometimes I think Romania (on the program) is so much simpler than any way of living I could have at home. Sometimes the problems are more related to my ego or failure to adapt than real hardship. And then sometimes I have these challenges that I never would suppose, because I'm connected to people and ideas and children that I don't understand. I've been very used to being self involved and that leaves a strange taste for others. Writing allows me to turn that into a learning experience I guess.
Papanasi is fried cheese with flour and salt and a little bit of sugar. If you eat it with ice cream the sweet and the salty have this really nice contrast and it tastes like fried ice cream.
I slightly expected to get murdered in my sleep that night. I was going to inspire them and make them want to give a crap about what they were doing (assuming that that is the problem), but I could barely muster the happy face to tell them that this is not working. I feel kind of set apart from them. Maybe I'm doing that myself, but I have a hard time just talking with many of them. I'm stuck in me, because... because I kind of am. And I've been seeing things decline.
Today was the threshold. I woke up around 7:00 and heard my roommate faintly talking on the gtalk and it was a little bit like I was under water and everything was just sort of sliding off of me today and I was like just shutting down. I woke up again and looked at the clock on my phone. 10:30?! I got up and put some clothes on, didn't even grab my scrubs. Just walked to the orphanage. Isn't this ironic? The day after. Ha ha. I was kind of in a fog though.
Got to the orphanage expecting to work with Teo, but she was gone, so I stood there for a second and walked over to mickey mouse. If you've ever been on Codeine, I think it was like that, only a little heavy. I started playing with the first kid I could get my hands on (out of context this sounds pretty weird). She was a little girl that I don't really know who was very pale and possibly fetal alcohol syndrome, which gives younger children a look like they are always deeply concerned about something. Perhaps she was just deeply concerned. I then witnessed Miorcell grab onto Michelle M's hair and pull like crazy. Ouch! I moved up to help, but this worker (who is one of my favorites, she's tall and stern and yet very sweet with the children. She is also very kind to me.) got him off first. Then they pointed to Alex who I didn't realize was in the room. I just kind of held his hand for a minute to let him know I was his bro still and talked with one this worker, whose name I sadly can never remember. She was telling me that Dr. Ciobano's daughter was getting married and that's why Teo was gone. She also told me Miorcel has a family, who are Roma, but was found abandoned living like an animal; naked and roaming around alone, and I think she said something about a forest. Sometimes I'm glad I can't totally understand what is being said. I was pretty slow to understand what she was saying and seemed a bit aloof probably and she asked, "Hey, who am I talking with?" She then started asking me why I was so "slab"
slab
and not married and if I liked boys or girls, while looking at a girl in my group. I told her that I liked girls, not pausing my exit with Alex. "Wrong day lady," I thought to myself.
Me and Alex went to look at fish and then to the lightroom. I was slightly relieved that it was closed, because it is difficult to spend a short of amount of time in there with him and we only had 10 mins left. He directed with his eyes to the room where we change (upstairs now to the left of mickey mouse's hall). I was like, "Really? You want to go in there?" But it turned out pretty fun. There are numbers and letters on the walls in there and he had fun getting me to open different cubby's and wanted me to put on other people's shoes. We also played with light switches and I got him to do the counting thing a little more too. He's getting better I think. The girls came in and I took him back.
After they changed, I sat in there for a minute and phased out. Then I walked out and was greeted by Sera. He said a bunch of stuff I couldn't understand and I said Da. Then he in Romanian he said, "Hey we're boys man, don't something something..." And then I went and shook their hands. For some reason when I'm most vulnerable somebody with a challenging personality tends to find me. Like I said though, things were just kind of sliding off me in a fog.
I came home and checked some emails and read some good stuff on a blog, and I was remembering vaguely a general authority quote about self-pity and looking outside through service to others. I also in looking for this quote which is now only a vapor to me, found a new one that I like better.
You have your own wonderful, bright, happy, and private little world
within yourself. Or you have your own dark and dismal prison... Your responsibility is to see that it is a private little heaven, for
it can just as easily be a private little hell, where you retreat from
beauty and wonder into self hatred and disgust. And again, no one is allowed to enter it but you, so any housecleaning that needs to be done, any clutter, disillusionment, or discord, any black thoughts or hatreds, any self incrimination or self-pity has to be discarded by you alone!
-Beatrice M. Sparks as quoted by N. Eldon Tanner as quoted by me.
So I went to the hospital regenerated by the hope of a new perspective and it worked. I remembered being with my sister Steph when I was really stressed to get to the airport and I had become rather rancid to her and then I wanted to try something and so I said, "I'm just going to start the day over right now, OK?" and kind of ran my hand over my face like a drama student ending a scene or whatever they do and she started laughing and was like I can't believe that just happened, and we had an amazing time driving up to the airport.
I walked to the hospital with the girls who are usually late and nothing really bothered me. We were not enemies. We left a few minutes late but it was better. I got to know them better a little. I played with Florin without feeling taken advantage of, as he tends to milk you for every penny if he can. I'm frankly amazed at how he can come up with money and other objects of value within a half hour. I saw him with 5 lei and a crucifix night light after seriously 20 minutes. He knows his craft. He also knows that I will mess him up in a boxing match.
Marian and I played cards. And we played guns. And we laughed a lot. And we got everybody in the room laughing. I tried to get Florin to play cards with us, but he took one look at how young Marian was and took off. Marian Asked me why Florin left and I was like uh I dunno. There was a new kid next door as well and he was even younger than Marian, but I didn't have very much time. I tried to help him with a puzzle which is strangely pronounced exactly the same in Romanian as it is in English. I can't say the kid's name yet. But he's pretty cool. I think he has a wicked fever too.
So my day ended up transitioning very well. I thank the Lord and friends and family for so much support and love. And tomorrow comes with a new set of challenges. Sometimes I think Romania (on the program) is so much simpler than any way of living I could have at home. Sometimes the problems are more related to my ego or failure to adapt than real hardship. And then sometimes I have these challenges that I never would suppose, because I'm connected to people and ideas and children that I don't understand. I've been very used to being self involved and that leaves a strange taste for others. Writing allows me to turn that into a learning experience I guess.
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