Last day at section 2 with the whole group today. I spent most of the time helping get pizza taking secret last day photos and watching the group go through their closure. Everybody took it pretty well as far as I could see.
There were two hard times for me. One was when I was explaining to Alex that Chelsea and Rhett were leaving and not coming back tomorrow. He understood. I also explained that I was coming back Monday and Tuesday. Then one of my favorite workers came over and told him that I was leaving like the snow after winter time. And that just sort of broke me, because I saw him smiling and then give me that, "Say it isn't so," look. And I wanted to tell him it wasn't. I still have two days left with him, which in my mind seem much longer than they really are. I wanted to wait till I was actually leaving to feel anything and she already got us both thinking about it. I felt that wound open a second like picking a scab that isn't quite healed, seeing the blood, and then quickly pushing it back down again. Not yet. But this one just gets worse.
I got to hold and take pictures with some of the kids I adore. Today was just fun. Too fast to feel for too long. The kids unwrapped the presents and loved them. It was so much fun. I can't really say too much more about that. If you see me in person ask to see pictures and I'll introduce you guys. I'll hope not to take too long. It's not that long.
I feel like sometimes I have struggled to get things done and felt hopeless to do so. Other times I feel like my only option was to sit on my butt and not die. Right now it is difficult to see myself in that mindset. It's just like how when I was in that mindset it was like believing in Santa Claus to think that I could be happy and have energy and love. I feel like I can sing that redeeming song. Yeah I remember how it goes now.
It starts with rituals, and persists with remembering, and ends with gratitude. Or maybe backwards. I'll figure it out someday.
That was a parenthetical expression of my happiness.
Another moment that broke the scab again was when Dr. Ciobano looked me in the eyes and told me thank you for working with Alex. She said that he was happy every day when I was here and she really appreciated me spending the time to - I can't remember, because at that point a wave hit me and I sheepishly composed myself against persuasion not to cry. To get publicly praised like that meant a lot to me. Especially since when I came out here the first time, Dr. Ciobano was this mysterious scary lady. I think she's great.
And Teo is a saint. She has made everything possible to do these things with Alex. She lets me use her office every day and sacrifices time (and lots of printer ink thanks to Alex) to help me and provide answers to questions and support my efforts to have things work. She took me out to see Mihai. She got other things to work that I thought would not be able to work. She was behind the scenes making stuff happen.
So another great moment was doing this...
(note don't take candy from strangers...)
(Also check out lady at 43 seconds.)
Not exactly during this time, because it wasn't captured, but on the 1st floor at one point in the cancer and burn unit, we started singing and I looked up for a moment to see a large group of people on both sides of us smiling. I felt great singing the Christmas hymns, but looking over while we were singing at their faces got me a little choked up for a second. And also very happy. Here's another one too.
It was a fantastic day.
I talked through some stuff with a good friend in a late night spazz attack. I'm going to miss Alex a lot, but I think I'll miss the person I am when I'm here just as much. I suppose I could possibly take that guy with me if I want to. I'm not sure which responsibility would be more difficult.
