I need to do more homework and less blogging. Katie is home. That makes me happy and sad. Happy, because she is safe. Sad, because she added so much to our group and had a passion to do the work with a good attitude.
Today I had a sort of mind warp when I met a kid whose name I've heard mentioned, but never met. Her name is Alexandra. She is an orphan and very cute. She also knows how to work the system to her advantage. I've noticed a difference between those who have been able to get what they want and those who can't. They play the game. They have something that draws you. Since their lives are often so desperate, when they find the thing that is actually working to get what they want or desperately need, they press the button all day. Maybe it is a smile. Maybe it is their voice tone. Maybe it is a certain phrase that they say, or even a problem behavior like spitting or pinching. I've seen it work. It works on me. For some of them (Alex is probably one), it is the reason they are still alive or have the quality of life that they now enjoy. But they are in a sense caricatures. They have unique functions and attributes that emerge, but many of the ones that would allow them to integrate with a normative social environment atrophy and are all but dead, because within their environment, they are not stimulated or not necessary. Whether those things can be revived, let alone supported to a thriving vitality, is another discussion completely and I won't dwell any more on that subject. It saddens me and this is what we come to study here. That principle is the question that burns.
Alexandra had something that I couldn't quite put my finger on when she spoke her nonsense. It took me a minute to realize after doing her bidding, that she had some of the same tendencies as Larisa. Having a marginal knowledge of the language creates an interesting balance to where I'm intensely focused on what this 4 year old has to say, but I can also recognize some of the things that she is saying and why they don't fit contextually. Plus nostalgia kicked in, but it was like going back to your high school 5 years after you graduated and seeing people like the ones you remember doing the same things you did, but knowing that they are not those people. I fell in love, but it was a consolation to regain my memories. I tried to feed Larisa every day when she was losing weight rapidly. She would throw inconsolable fits that were foreign and intense. I read and sang to her. We had games and inside jokes (and really she still remembers). I'd fight her for toys that I knew she would destroy 20 minutes after I left and she would go nuclear. I watched her fall asleep with difficulty as she slowly let down her hyper-vigilance and steady flow of anxiety, closing her eyes slowly then quickly opening them like a monster in a horror movie coming back for one last scare. I stayed up at nights worried that she would never get her cast or the other surgeries she needed. I felt like she was mine. I loved her.
This girl was more even tempered and she made more sense. I almost wasn't sure if she was an orphan or not, but through time I got to understand her a little more. I'm going to be fighting some of the people in the group for the time with her. I don't need it; someone else deserves some of the feelings and learning experiences I had, however I can't help but feel selfish sometimes. It really consoled my loss of 2 really great kids I got to see every day for awhile, Florin and Marian. That hurt a lot for some reason. I like to anticipate where the hurt is going to come from and this caught me by surprise in the sense that I didn't know it was going to happen in the case of Marian (I showed up one day and he was gone) and I didn't anticipate not being able to see Florin again to affect me as much as it did. At least I got to give him the picture though. That gave me a sense of resolution. I suppose I have it easy in comparison with the children here, who may look forward to their brief time with one of us each day, and must unavoidably deal with that loss again and again. Or perhaps that part of them is also numb. I can help them feel happy today though.
A little footnote after reading this over... Sometimes I forget that they also have the rudimentary attributes of God in embryo and unlimited divine potential.
Today I had a sort of mind warp when I met a kid whose name I've heard mentioned, but never met. Her name is Alexandra. She is an orphan and very cute. She also knows how to work the system to her advantage. I've noticed a difference between those who have been able to get what they want and those who can't. They play the game. They have something that draws you. Since their lives are often so desperate, when they find the thing that is actually working to get what they want or desperately need, they press the button all day. Maybe it is a smile. Maybe it is their voice tone. Maybe it is a certain phrase that they say, or even a problem behavior like spitting or pinching. I've seen it work. It works on me. For some of them (Alex is probably one), it is the reason they are still alive or have the quality of life that they now enjoy. But they are in a sense caricatures. They have unique functions and attributes that emerge, but many of the ones that would allow them to integrate with a normative social environment atrophy and are all but dead, because within their environment, they are not stimulated or not necessary. Whether those things can be revived, let alone supported to a thriving vitality, is another discussion completely and I won't dwell any more on that subject. It saddens me and this is what we come to study here. That principle is the question that burns.
Alexandra had something that I couldn't quite put my finger on when she spoke her nonsense. It took me a minute to realize after doing her bidding, that she had some of the same tendencies as Larisa. Having a marginal knowledge of the language creates an interesting balance to where I'm intensely focused on what this 4 year old has to say, but I can also recognize some of the things that she is saying and why they don't fit contextually. Plus nostalgia kicked in, but it was like going back to your high school 5 years after you graduated and seeing people like the ones you remember doing the same things you did, but knowing that they are not those people. I fell in love, but it was a consolation to regain my memories. I tried to feed Larisa every day when she was losing weight rapidly. She would throw inconsolable fits that were foreign and intense. I read and sang to her. We had games and inside jokes (and really she still remembers). I'd fight her for toys that I knew she would destroy 20 minutes after I left and she would go nuclear. I watched her fall asleep with difficulty as she slowly let down her hyper-vigilance and steady flow of anxiety, closing her eyes slowly then quickly opening them like a monster in a horror movie coming back for one last scare. I stayed up at nights worried that she would never get her cast or the other surgeries she needed. I felt like she was mine. I loved her.
This girl was more even tempered and she made more sense. I almost wasn't sure if she was an orphan or not, but through time I got to understand her a little more. I'm going to be fighting some of the people in the group for the time with her. I don't need it; someone else deserves some of the feelings and learning experiences I had, however I can't help but feel selfish sometimes. It really consoled my loss of 2 really great kids I got to see every day for awhile, Florin and Marian. That hurt a lot for some reason. I like to anticipate where the hurt is going to come from and this caught me by surprise in the sense that I didn't know it was going to happen in the case of Marian (I showed up one day and he was gone) and I didn't anticipate not being able to see Florin again to affect me as much as it did. At least I got to give him the picture though. That gave me a sense of resolution. I suppose I have it easy in comparison with the children here, who may look forward to their brief time with one of us each day, and must unavoidably deal with that loss again and again. Or perhaps that part of them is also numb. I can help them feel happy today though.
A little footnote after reading this over... Sometimes I forget that they also have the rudimentary attributes of God in embryo and unlimited divine potential.
3 comments:
which marian? and what happened to florin?
Yeah Amy what's up! Florin was just in the hospital for routine medical tests so he was done and went back to the orphanage. Marian was just a kid in the hospital that I played with sometimes. He has parents. They are in better places.
This post is really poignant for me because (you already know this) you came on the scene with Lari right when I had to leave her. I left the morning of her first operation and she was so angry and hurting so badly, I was almost nauseated worrying about her. She was mine then and she was in pain and I just had to leave her. Do you know how much it means to me that you came and "felt like she was [yours]" and loved her? I am so grateful for that! It must be kind of creepy/sad/touching to have her reincarnated like that--another spunky little girl to boss you around. Haha. You are going to be an amazing father, you really are. I loved what you wrote about the kids who work the system and about "making them happy today." You really get it! That's what Dave would tell you if he were here.
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